Spring appeared, momentarily, as it seems to do in the East.
A few days of warm thaw, enough to coax the blossoms into their pink and white glory,and then we're all swept away again by intermittent, breezy, brisk,
cold.
It always snows petals this time of year.
How quickly temperament changes.
Within
and
without.
That's how Lily and I have been. Anxious for Spring and Summer.
Enjoying our present but on the lookout for change.
I've not been in a great place; moods mercurial, exhausted mind and body, every morning refueled by Lily's spirit but everworn all the same.
Can I say that?
Everworn.
But just the other day in a fleeting moment of warmth,
under the sun I sat,
eyes closed, angled to the sky and just took it all in.
Felt good to have warmth on my face.
A quick recharge which eased my mind and heart a bit.
Reminded me.
Everything is alright.
And it is.
I just have felt battered.
And wish for a slight reprise.
Over the weekend I went out, saw a friend and his life love play acoustic music and it was reassuring to see their bond - hear their present/future - woven confidently together by gracefully planned, wafting notes.
Just how it should always be.
Good Love.
Love Is Good.
And then he surprised me with a beautiful song, and she delivered it with strength and delicacy.
Unexpected Gift.
Over three years out.
Some wounds never heal.
I've known that and always will.
But friends and love are the best antidote around.
So I will cling to it as a promise and also a reminder that things are, and will continue to get
Better. (Listen here)
Thursday, March 29, 2012
Thursday, March 22, 2012
Whoa Mama.
May no one that knows me run into me today.
Except my Mother-in-Law who unfortunately arrived long before above warning.
My girl was a pain in the butt this morning.
Period.
No wait, there's more.
She insisted on getting herself dressed and then idled so much (we had her 3 yr check up scheduled this morning) rolling around on the floor with her head under a step stool, that a battle ensued.
Not pretty.
And as soon as I got the clothes on, she-who-has-her-own-agenda takes them off, then I forced them back on. It was like a bad scene from The Miracle Worker.
Only I was working no miracles.
I want to wear THHHHIIIIIIIIISSSSSS blah blah blah, clock ticking (Oh. Look! she's topless and shoeless, trying to take her leggings off and it is now officially our appointment time. COOL!)
And then I am no longer able to get ready for work, so I guess Mama will just goes to work looking as though her daughter dressed her. I was fuming with frustration, not pretty in many, many ways.
I mildly boiled-over.
And yelling doesn't help but I was not capable of three-year-old whispering today.
Not.
At.
All.
Did I mention I was also up about five times last night? Lily has a cold and a cough and when she does, her sleep is restless. With her tossing and turning she landed on the floor at one point (on pillows - I did get that part right), and the other time I made quick saves in a midnight stupor - robot mama mode on - ready for anything.
But this morning...
Was
Not
Needed.
We made it to her check-up where her cheery, humorous doctor (that I do love) chirped,
Three is harder than two.
Wow.
Really, reallllllly needed to hear that this morning.
Try hard not to fight with her, it'll just make it harder, she said.
Really?
How to respond to that. How to respond to thaaaaaaaaaaatttttt....
Deep breath. Chuckle. Glance at Granny. Laugh.
Ahhh.
Life-with-my-daughter-who-I-love-so-much-it-hurts-but-sometimes-not-in-a-good-way.
Appointment ended on a good note, Lily is off to ballet and I am off to work - bedraggled, exhausted and then forced to walk down Madison Avenue past bright, cheery botoxed bunned manicured moms who chat idly on street corners in 500 dollar yoga outfits sipping ice coffee looking rested and happily staffed with husbands and help, planning their lunch dates and spin classes with energetic applomb.
And there I was, trudging by, with my tired eyes, humidity hair, feeling unattended and raw.
If it's Spring, why doesn't it feel that way.
Upon arriving at work I spoke to a friend who had recently led a support group for moms and babies in a nearby prison.
They have around the clock help.
It takes a village she said.
Check me into that place.
Now.
(ok not really. but... sort of.)
Except my Mother-in-Law who unfortunately arrived long before above warning.
My girl was a pain in the butt this morning.
Period.
No wait, there's more.
She insisted on getting herself dressed and then idled so much (we had her 3 yr check up scheduled this morning) rolling around on the floor with her head under a step stool, that a battle ensued.
Not pretty.
And as soon as I got the clothes on, she-who-has-her-own-agenda takes them off, then I forced them back on. It was like a bad scene from The Miracle Worker.
Only I was working no miracles.
I want to wear THHHHIIIIIIIIISSSSSS blah blah blah, clock ticking (Oh. Look! she's topless and shoeless, trying to take her leggings off and it is now officially our appointment time. COOL!)
And then I am no longer able to get ready for work, so I guess Mama will just goes to work looking as though her daughter dressed her. I was fuming with frustration, not pretty in many, many ways.
I mildly boiled-over.
And yelling doesn't help but I was not capable of three-year-old whispering today.
Not.
At.
All.
Did I mention I was also up about five times last night? Lily has a cold and a cough and when she does, her sleep is restless. With her tossing and turning she landed on the floor at one point (on pillows - I did get that part right), and the other time I made quick saves in a midnight stupor - robot mama mode on - ready for anything.
But this morning...
Was
Not
Needed.
We made it to her check-up where her cheery, humorous doctor (that I do love) chirped,
Three is harder than two.
Wow.
Really, reallllllly needed to hear that this morning.
Try hard not to fight with her, it'll just make it harder, she said.
Really?
How to respond to that. How to respond to thaaaaaaaaaaatttttt....
Deep breath. Chuckle. Glance at Granny. Laugh.
Ahhh.
Life-with-my-daughter-who-I-love-so-much-it-hurts-but-sometimes-not-in-a-good-way.
Appointment ended on a good note, Lily is off to ballet and I am off to work - bedraggled, exhausted and then forced to walk down Madison Avenue past bright, cheery botoxed bunned manicured moms who chat idly on street corners in 500 dollar yoga outfits sipping ice coffee looking rested and happily staffed with husbands and help, planning their lunch dates and spin classes with energetic applomb.
And there I was, trudging by, with my tired eyes, humidity hair, feeling unattended and raw.
If it's Spring, why doesn't it feel that way.
Upon arriving at work I spoke to a friend who had recently led a support group for moms and babies in a nearby prison.
They have around the clock help.
It takes a village she said.
Check me into that place.
Now.
(ok not really. but... sort of.)
Friday, March 2, 2012
How Will It Grow.
Lily took her third birthday by storm.
For a week before, the first question at dawn
Is it my birthday today?
She is heavily into the passage of time.
Runs to the clock,waiting for a hand to reach a number I've shown her
It turned Mama!
And in anticipation of other things to come she asks when they'll happen.
I try my best, but ahhh Time ~
To think that I thought explaining "Let It Be" was a stretch.
But the clock turned mama!
Yes Pumpkin, but...
Time
Keeps
Going.
A tough concept to grasp.
To explain.
Watching her grow every day is a dial all it's own.
What I do know is that what was once a green shoot is now truly flowering.
In all directions.
She challenges me with knowledge, offers theories about everything, and is insatiably curious. The outfits are more creatively outlandish.
She is talking about her dad at school, expressing facts
and wishes.
I enjoy her connections. And despite the bitter/sweet discoveries, I can now admire from an arm's length how she instinctively navigates her reality as it evolves.
I will always be by her side - but she is, on her own, stepping a bit further away, coloring her world with ideas, fantasies, and beginning to grasp her own truth.
And all that comes with that wondrous, enlightening and sometimes devastating word.
Such is the way of the world.
And she is growing up.
UP.
(Cue Music/Click Here.)
For a week before, the first question at dawn
Is it my birthday today?
She is heavily into the passage of time.
Runs to the clock,waiting for a hand to reach a number I've shown her
It turned Mama!
And in anticipation of other things to come she asks when they'll happen.
I try my best, but ahhh Time ~
To think that I thought explaining "Let It Be" was a stretch.
But the clock turned mama!
Yes Pumpkin, but...
Time
Keeps
Going.
A tough concept to grasp.
To explain.
Watching her grow every day is a dial all it's own.
What I do know is that what was once a green shoot is now truly flowering.
In all directions.
She challenges me with knowledge, offers theories about everything, and is insatiably curious. The outfits are more creatively outlandish.
She is talking about her dad at school, expressing facts
and wishes.
I enjoy her connections. And despite the bitter/sweet discoveries, I can now admire from an arm's length how she instinctively navigates her reality as it evolves.
I will always be by her side - but she is, on her own, stepping a bit further away, coloring her world with ideas, fantasies, and beginning to grasp her own truth.
And all that comes with that wondrous, enlightening and sometimes devastating word.
Such is the way of the world.
And she is growing up.
UP.
(Cue Music/Click Here.)
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