tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4283400230306886282024-03-05T12:54:46.196-05:00The SusieThoughts of a young, widowed mom. Death, cancer, love, motherhood.HalfKinghttp://www.blogger.com/profile/05813394341471219571noreply@blogger.comBlogger170125tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-428340023030688628.post-24331412021897099212019-05-17T15:54:00.001-04:002019-05-17T15:54:46.841-04:00WildflowerGot to spend this past weekend in nature with my girl,<br />
joined by<br />
Two<br />
Strong<br />
Women<br />
who have lifted us up year after year,<br />
with encouraging words and laughs and listens ~<br />
And in this special garden,<br />
where breathy warmth radiates from overgrown grass,<br />
and the sun coaxes my city-knots out,<br />
I<br />
find myself<br />
most<br />
at home.<br />
<br />
This is a dreamscape I get lost in,<br />
discreetly dressed with its filigree nests,<br />
quiet giants wearing branches like capes,<br />
where flowers show up as though someone called "places",<br />
and the air a sweet combination of it all -<br />
comfortably still and other times moved in careless breezes.<br />
<br />
My happiest moments are watching my<br />
tween<br />
(gasp)<br />
free in this landscape<br />
parked in a camping chair on our dirt drive, wading in a creek,<br />
or off to trudge through last year's goldenrod to perch in the sun<br />
and<br />
survey the land -<br />
A Pioneer out for an afternoon trek<br />
with a snack, a book and important random items.<br />
<br />
<i>How I love being her mother.</i><br />
<br />
How she got this way,<br />
I just don't know.<br />
Cause I've been watching, studying and reluctantly loosening my everyday embraces<br />
but last time I looked, <i>really looked</i>,<br />
I couldn't envision her older self, once she<br />
outgrew<br />
her crib.<br />
<br />
But here She is,<br />
this lovely creature,<br />
who takes her space<br />
and lives bravely outloud<br />
electric<i> </i>with change and song and opinion<br />
drinking in the details of growing up<br />
tackling its glories<br />
while deeply pondering its unimaginable<br />
and just-not-right<br />
very dark<br />
twists.<br />
<br />
In This Place,<br />
I like to think<br />
she's safe to feel it all,<br />
because this is where<br />
winds don't judge,<br />
the sky stays high<br />
and everything<br />
just goes<br />
to the tune<br />
of<br />
seasons.<br />
<br />
Last time we were here there was a perfect nest of blue-green eggs,<br />
and this time birds have taking their place,<br />
fresh in the world with their eyes still shut.<br />
Their mom rarely budges<br />
from her<br />
protective<br />
perch<br />
She too has that vulnerable love<br />
of nurturing her babes and<br />
guarding them,<br />
boldly, beneath her wings.<br />
<br />
One day, though,<br />
they'll all<br />
Insist<br />
on Taking Flight -<br />
but for now,<br />
as long as<br />
Now<br />
can last,<br />
we're both still reaching<br />
to <a href="https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=tbZHguOCi3Q" target="_blank">keep them close</a>.<br />
<br />HalfKinghttp://www.blogger.com/profile/05813394341471219571noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-428340023030688628.post-62087722509651961232018-02-16T13:09:00.000-05:002018-02-16T13:09:57.726-05:00And Again<div>
<br /></div>
These days it feels like the worst kind of tag<div>
where every move feels like we've just </div>
<div>
dodged a bullet</div>
<div>
my shoulders having barely just </div>
<div>
squeaked by,</div>
<div>
a sigh </div>
<div>
of "happened-upon" momentary relief</div>
<div>
relishing that strange feeling of narrow escape - </div>
<div>
Was that what it was?</div>
<div>
Narrow escape?</div>
<div>
<br /></div>
<div>
Have we been in the shadows of danger close by?</div>
<div>
<br /></div>
<div>
Game</div>
<div>
Has</div>
<div>
Changed</div>
<div>
<br /></div>
<div>
No longer like when you </div>
<div>
used to reach</div>
<div>
home base</div>
<div>
placed your hand on the tree</div>
<div>
excitedly linked arms in a spirited human chain </div>
<div>
or found the perfect hiding spot</div>
<div>
quietly yet excitedly out of breath,</div>
<div>
yelled </div>
<div>
<br /></div>
<div>
SAFE!</div>
<div>
<br /></div>
<div>
No, that's not it</div>
<div>
Any</div>
<div>
More.</div>
<div>
<br /></div>
<div>
So many parents <i>yet again</i> just lost their</div>
<div>
More.</div>
<div>
No second chance to hug the babe they once held</div>
<div>
To butter their toast</div>
<div>
Zip their coat</div>
<div>
Take their phone</div>
<div>
Cheer them on</div>
<div>
Smooth their hair</div>
<div>
Kiss their cheeks</div>
<div>
Sign them up</div>
<div>
Tuck them in</div>
<div>
Hold</div>
<div>
their</div>
<div>
hand</div>
<div>
Meet their eyes</div>
<div>
<br /></div>
<div>
Love with a wave.</div>
<div>
<br /></div>
<div>
And for those of us still blessed to have ours...</div>
<div>
Drop off hasn't been the same for some time - </div>
<div>
we're still in the </div>
<div>
lottery</div>
<div>
because that's </div>
<div>
what</div>
<div>
This</div>
<div>
is.</div>
<div>
<br /></div>
<div>
These days we kiss them off </div>
<div>
as they skip into schools</div>
<div>
run on blacktops</div>
<div>
play learn thrive in</div>
<div>
their </div>
<div>
other home... </div>
<div>
<br /></div>
<div>
But now we have day-aches</div>
<div>
and night-aches</div>
<div>
fearing what might come</div>
<div>
harboring our secret fears that we cannot share with our children.</div>
<div>
We send them off to spread their wings</div>
<div>
and hope </div>
<div>
they </div>
<div>
miss</div>
<div>
the sun.</div>
<div>
<br /></div>
<div>
Some days I just can't take</div>
<div>
the break I feel for others...</div>
<div>
<br /></div>
<div>
And the monsters who boss with their never-ending</div>
<div>
greed</div>
<div>
gloat and pray </div>
<div>
issue plastic apologies</div>
<div>
rub their selfishness like mud in our faces -</div>
<div>
don't care one bit</div>
<div>
their cores rotten</div>
<div>
hollow and foul.</div>
<div>
<br /></div>
<div>
This is a country</div>
<div>
lost</div>
<div>
at</div>
<div>
sea</div>
<div>
and I doubt we'll ever</div>
<div>
find</div>
<div>
the shore.</div>
<div>
<br /></div>
<div>
<br /></div>
<div>
<br /></div>
<div>
<br /></div>
<div>
<br /></div>
<div>
<br /></div>
<div>
<br /></div>
<div>
<br /></div>
<div>
<br /></div>
<div>
<br /></div>
<div>
<br /></div>
<div>
<br /></div>
<div>
<br /></div>
HalfKinghttp://www.blogger.com/profile/05813394341471219571noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-428340023030688628.post-19392478205063009182017-08-01T17:19:00.000-04:002017-08-01T17:27:23.879-04:00Tomorrow.<br />
Tomorrow is my last hair appointment with my current hairdresser.<br />
<br />
I met her shortly before Alan passed away.<br />
Can't remember what she knew about his illness,<br />
just remember returning to her shortly after, and he was<br />
gone.<br />
<br />
My mom came along, I was afraid to be alone,<br />
afraid to be in a place where talk abounds -<br />
the spinning chair like therapy or the back seat of a car for a child,<br />
faces in the mirror but meditative, thoughtful conversation.<br />
It's a strange ritual, words to the sound of scissors whittling,<br />
paring things down artfully as part of us is shed.<br />
<br />
That morning I can't remember much.<br />
The anticipation of being in public,<br />
the anxiety that consumes<br />
when you feel as though your face says it all.<br />
He's gone, my partner died,<br />
he is dead.<br />
People will see my face. They will know.<br />
They will wonder.<br />
And the fear that if my mouth opened<br />
there could be no words -<br />
but a waterfall<br />
of sobs poised at the top of my throat, ready to<br />
cascade beneath the discards<br />
as they floated to the ground.<br />
<br />
She came to greet us, we were on a padded bench,<br />
not sure what we said,<br />
but know what must have been said.<br />
It was quiet that day.<br />
Sad silence but she made it ok.<br />
<br />
Since then she has been through the anticipation and birth<br />
of my girl.<br />
She has done my hair regularly,<br />
I breast fed under her wraps,<br />
she has trimmed Lily's bangs, given her an 8 year old streak,<br />
I have sent dear friends to her,<br />
I have met her husband.<br />
I know of her family, her musical and literary loves,<br />
her food obsessions, her fasts, her yoga pursuits.<br />
She has been a striking force of positivity<br />
and has been with me through my parenting endeavors,<br />
my travels, my milestones.<br />
She has met Adam,<br />
she has been<br />
Constant.<br />
Steadfast.<br />
A removed fixture yet reliably present, I have never seen her outside of our appointments.<br />
But she still has been the old friend you resume conversations with,<br />
despite the lapse between visits.<br />
<br />
She is off to a new, tropical home,<br />
where I know the warm winds will envelop her with comfort and right-ness.<br />
She will be well, her man will be fine,<br />
and I will send her off with a Patti Smith book<br />
so that she may bring an account of New York's most raw, most lyrical ruminations with her.<br />
Those words can always be a comfort on the crests of waves,<br />
amid the stillness of heavily fragrant air.<br />
<br />
And I will move on, close this book,<br />
and be grateful for what we shared, in our own, subtle way.<br />
<br />
It is strange to say goodbye to people who<br />
Knew You When<br />
and Know You Now,<br />
she's been a touchstone in my recovery.<br />
And now off she goes on a new journey,<br />
leaving behind a well tended garden.<br />
<br />
<br />
<br />HalfKinghttp://www.blogger.com/profile/05813394341471219571noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-428340023030688628.post-32350368583269308772017-06-26T17:18:00.000-04:002017-06-26T17:18:34.349-04:00Enough<br />
Made it to One and it's an anniversary I don't take lightly -<br />
Years ago I had plans for my first anniversary with Alan.<br />
I had hoped to have a dinner party with our closest friends where we'd serve the same food that he and I, in our wedding excitement,<br />
barely got to taste.<br />
<br />
Longevity Noodles would have been prominently featured.<br />
<br />
But the meaning behind those, proved not to work. <br />
Though if one were to count a legacy of love as an offshoot,<br />
they certainly did.<br />
<br />
Now that I've reached the official end of <i>one,</i> with Adam,<br />
I am still counting my blessings.<br />
It is an action that never tires.<br />
I tell him I even love being in traffic with him<br />
because<br />
I<br />
do.<br />
It is <i>all</i> the moments I cherish.<br />
The every and in-between moments.<br />
And I forever feel fortunate that our lives reconnected - so that we could continue on, in life,<br />
together.<br />
<br />
This anniversary, the two of us shared a beautiful meal.<br />
We spent our weekend together in nature and savored our time in warm porch sun,<br />
in some funky junky bohemian inn overflowing with dishes and instruments,<br />
old furniture and other peoples' discards - juke box rock wafting through open panes,<br />
grass,<br />
air, river and hills.<br />
It all reminded, in the sweetest of ways,<br />
how lucky I am to have enough.<br />
Of love<br />
Of children<br />
Of friends.<br />
<br />
Markers and milestones wear out the widowed.<br />
But what I've discovered is that real love doesn't compete.<br />
Doesn't have to. What's real is real is real.<br />
There is room enough,<br />
love enough,<br />
for everyone.<br />
<br />
As I approach nine years without Alan, here, his presence still shines.<br />
In dreams, through Lily and people encounters that still crop up<br />
and bring favorite stories and memories to light.<br />
And every new story is like finding a photo -<br />
Comforting even from a suspended distance.<br />
<br />
Felt right to be surrounded by old things with my new love.<br />
Reminded me how solid a memory can be even in the glow of fresh, afternoon sun.<br />
Together Adam and I are building our own story and I hope the pages have no back cover.<br />
I think when I marveled at how heavy and sound the floors there felt,<br />
I was reassured to feel planted and rooted in ... now.<br />
The house was solid<br />
and filled<br />
with <i>any</i>-time.<br />
Plenty of room for all of <i>it</i>,<br />
past,<br />
present,<br />
future.<br />
<br />
<br />
<br />
<br />
<br />
HalfKinghttp://www.blogger.com/profile/05813394341471219571noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-428340023030688628.post-59728790190663621362017-04-20T11:36:00.000-04:002017-04-20T11:36:56.820-04:00Girl Song.<br />
<br />
This morning I asked my daughter to eat her breakfast<br />
seven times.<br />
Seven.<br />
I was angry and rushed and frustrated,<br />
and am always bothered by her non-urgency when we have places to go.<br />
<br />
But I'm the one who always tells her to be in the moment.<br />
<br />
And this morning, when I entered the room with my EIGHTH plea,<br />
there she was, singing Kumbaya, clapping,<br />
toe-tapping and topless,<br />
in front of her hamster's cage.<br />
<br />
On plea seven, she had actually had a shirt on,<br />
but somewhere in the after-moments...<br />
her mind took a turn,<br />
and new options had been put on hold.<br />
For a song.<br />
<br />
I yelled.<br />
Not proud, but I did.<br />
Her teacher says asking once should be enough.<br />
<br />
Not in our home.<br />
But even with my frustration there was<br />
another thread,<br />
inside,<br />
that made my own heart sing.<br />
<br />
When I reminded her of that <i>concept</i> on our way to the subway,<br />
of once being enough,<br />
she was looking way up.<br />
<br />
OK mama, she said, eyes still on the sky.<br />
<br />
Did you hear what I actually asked?<br />
<br />
Yes mama. The seatbelt light just went on in that plane Mama.<br />
<br />
And so it went.<br />
<br />
There is nothing I love more than the<br />
sound<br />
of<br />
her<br />
voice - anytime. <br />
But particularly<br />
singing<br />
in the morning.<br />
She sings and sings and sings.<br />
In the shower,<br />
in the bathroom,<br />
to the mirror,<br />
when she is sidetracked between drawers of clothing yet to be decided on,<br />
sings as she brushes and ties and packs and unpacks.<br />
I love her wonderment and whimsy.<br />
Her loose energy that floats into our world at inopportune times.<br />
<br />
Need more of it myself.<br />
<br />
Think it's why I haven't written. <br />
Been so much and nothing to say.<br />
I let some hideous person permeate my life.<br />
Way Too Much.<br />
<br />
Got to get back on track.<br />
Slip into her mind for a bit<br />
to focus on the<br />
Good.<br />
Let my mind go back a bit,<br />
cause this girl's looking at her days the way she should.<br />
Will need to play <a href="https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=2nCj4d2NPKQ" target="_blank">this</a> for her, tonight...<br />
<br />HalfKinghttp://www.blogger.com/profile/05813394341471219571noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-428340023030688628.post-59953774076328033192016-10-17T10:43:00.000-04:002016-10-17T10:52:38.888-04:00He.<br />
That... man?<br />
Thinks<br />
he can undo what I / we have done.<br />
I know women,<br />
lots of them.<br />
Who get up every morning, feed, bathe, dress and drop their kids,<br />
and<br />
dash to work to enable them to do all they did in the hours before.<br />
We are smart, brash, bold, defiant.<br />
And yet that trip to work is often a slog<br />
through hideous leers<br />
gestures<br />
whistles<br />
you can feel their eyes, just as Bruce says,<br />
take a walk all over you -<br />
And it<br />
Doesn't.<br />
Feel.<br />
Good.<br />
So many times I've been told to "smile" -<br />
whether I was rushing to be on time for work or<br />
frantically hustling back to my husband who was battling a life threatening illness in a hospital.<br />
Been abused in ways too cliche to share.<br />
They didn't know<br />
didn't care<br />
about who I was,<br />
just wanted something for themselves to<br />
feel good about,<br />
be on top of,<br />
to push around,<br />
their feral bodies aching for a moment of thrill<br />
before they turn to the next woman<br />
or girl… My Girl?<br />
who walks on by.<br />
<br />
And now I've got two more girls,<br />
Young Women<br />
Who are just stepping into their own bodies<br />
Discovering the powers of their prowess<br />
and teetering on the brink of discovering how they<br />
may or may not use them,<br />
flirting dangerously with all that we've struggled to<br />
Shut<br />
Down.<br />
<br />
When I hear our First Lady<br />
I am grateful to see a Woman who I can point to and say<br />
YES.<br />
SHE is what we're all talking about<br />
and illustrates what we're so fearful of losing ~<br />
She is our minds our bodies our intelligence.<br />
Stay with her, follow <i>that</i> path<br />
of self respect, strength and<br />
determination.<br />
And we have a Presidential Candidate who<br />
has waded through the mud slung by men <i>and</i> women -<br />
been subjected to their superficial judgements about her voice, her clothing, the slips she's made -<br />
she has been mocked relentlessly for her imperfections and <i>still</i> fights back.<br />
She too is a force. <br />
No stares, no bullying nor disrespect have stood in her way -<br />
Ever.<br />
She's worked tirelessly<br />
to get where <i>she is</i>,<br />
today.<br />
<br />
New Heros in hard times.<br />
<br />
It is reassuring that last week a Poet<br />
was honored<br />
because we may be on the cusp of a very<br />
Dark Age.<br />
<br />
If only Art could save us.<br />
<br />
How surprising, and refreshing to know - that a committee of powerful thinkers<br />
is celebrating an artist<br />
who has illuminated hardships, wrong-ness, love and loss -<br />
so decently, thoughtfully and passionately.<br />
He will forever strike me as a romantic and a realist -<br />
with his ruminations on war, peace, and relationships.<br />
He has moved so many with his humanity.<br />
I will never forget the feeling of sitting by a beach fire<br />
blazing on a clear and cold summer night,<br />
meditating on his words as they wafted through the crowd around me.<br />
The message clear and empowering, even then to us as kids:<br />
We know<br />
what<br />
Danger<br />
looks like.<br />
<br />
May these Three<br />
and all of Us<br />
Outshine the ugliness that is sweeping in,<br />
hovering like smog,<br />
and threatening to choke our children.<br />
<br />
Our world is way too precious. <i><a href="http://tidido.com/a35184372109582/al5601ab14e7c622686ad389e1/t5601ab15e7c622686ad38ac4" target="_blank">(Listen)</a></i><br />
<br />
<br />
<br />HalfKinghttp://www.blogger.com/profile/05813394341471219571noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-428340023030688628.post-51128116283711459302016-10-06T14:27:00.000-04:002016-10-06T14:29:24.713-04:00Exhale<br />
Made it.<br />
<br />
Summer's moved out,<br />
with a giant<br />
breath.<br />
And we got<br />
hitched<br />
without<br />
a<br />
hitch.<br />
<br />
So many hearts to take care of in the moments<br />
leading up...<br />
I was worried,<br />
so worried,<br />
anxious and protective.<br />
Tired, excited and nervous.<br />
<br />
Children to handle gently,<br />
in-laws to watch over,<br />
new family to embrace,<br />
old friends and my family who've been through our "all"<br />
and kept eyes on me closely<br />
these past eight years...<br />
So many hearts to look after,<br />
not to mention<br />
my own.<br />
<br />
But how lucky we were - Lily and I<br />
to have Alan's family there to bravely cheer us on<br />
as we ushered Adam's in.<br />
And how fortunate we were - Lily and I<br />
to have Adam's family there,<br />
alongside Alan's<br />
embracing this connection<br />
and honoring its link.<br />
<br />
Not easy for anyone,<br />
but this crowd,<br />
This<br />
Crowd<br />
Showed<br />
Up.<br />
<br />
So on that fair evening,<br />
under redwoods and pines,<br />
we got to join hands,<br />
<br />
all of us.<br />
<br />
Everything and everyone was fine.<br />
<br />
And now as autumn breezes in,<br />
casting shadows that linger and shorten our days,<br />
I can look back and<br />
see<br />
how far we've come,<br />
and relish the<br />
gift<br />
of<br />
a<br />
<a href="https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=4ech6pZoBJ4" target="_blank">second chance</a><span id="goog_1274901927"></span><span id="goog_1274901928"></span><a href="https://www.blogger.com/"></a>.<br />
<br />
<br />
<br />
<br />
<br />
<br />
<br />
<br />
<br />HalfKinghttp://www.blogger.com/profile/05813394341471219571noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-428340023030688628.post-47337697684967696532016-06-15T17:13:00.003-04:002016-06-16T08:25:16.887-04:00Where you been<span style="background-color: black;"><span style="color: white; font-family: inherit;">Whoa.</span></span><br />
<div>
<span style="background-color: black; color: white; font-family: inherit;">Hello Emotions,</span></div>
<div>
<span style="background-color: black; color: white; font-family: inherit;">shadows big and small, all nipping at my feet, </span></div>
<div>
<span style="background-color: black; color: white; font-family: inherit;">tugging at my heart and sometimes hijacking joys that should be all mine.</span></div>
<div>
<span style="background-color: black; color: white; font-family: inherit;">But that's the brand of widow world, </span></div>
<div>
<span style="background-color: black; color: white; font-family: inherit;">not the image, just the scar</span></div>
<div>
<span style="background-color: black; color: white; font-family: inherit;">that</span></div>
<div>
<span style="background-color: black; color: white; font-family: inherit;">never fully</span></div>
<div>
<span style="background-color: black; color: white; font-family: inherit;">smooths over.</span></div>
<div>
<span style="background-color: black; color: white; font-family: inherit;">The color just never fully sets. </span></div>
<div>
<span style="background-color: black; color: white; font-family: inherit;">Like an unfinished project that will never be complete - </span></div>
<div>
<span style="background-color: black; color: white; font-family: inherit;">and this one's not due to any procrastination - it's just due to </span></div>
<div>
<span style="background-color: black; color: white; font-family: inherit;">life's </span></div>
<div>
<span style="background-color: black; color: white; font-family: inherit;">twists and turns.</span></div>
<div>
<span style="background-color: black; color: white; font-family: inherit;">Unsolicited and solicited.</span></div>
<div>
<span style="background-color: black; color: white; font-family: inherit;">The good with the bad,</span></div>
<div>
<span style="background-color: black; color: white; font-family: inherit;">happiness with the sad,</span></div>
<div>
<span style="background-color: black; color: white; font-family: inherit;">because when you lose partner number one,</span></div>
<div>
<span style="background-color: black; color: white; font-family: inherit;">it takes its toll on round two.</span></div>
<div>
<span style="background-color: black; color: white; font-family: inherit;"><br /></span></div>
<div>
<span style="background-color: black; color: white; font-family: inherit;">Just</span></div>
<div>
<span style="background-color: black; color: white; font-family: inherit;">Does</span></div>
<div>
<span style="background-color: black; color: white; font-family: inherit;"><br /></span></div>
<div>
<span style="background-color: black; color: white; font-family: inherit;">So here I am, </span></div>
<div>
<span style="background-color: black; color: white; font-family: inherit;">on the threshold of a new chapter</span></div>
<div>
<span style="background-color: black; color: white; font-family: inherit;">embracing beautiful and Whole New Love</span></div>
<div>
<span style="background-color: black; color: white; font-family: inherit;">trying as best I can to be the<i> </i>step that his kids </span></div>
<div>
<span style="background-color: black; color: white; font-family: inherit;">can ... accept. And understand.</span></div>
<div>
<span style="background-color: black; color: white; font-family: inherit;">Trying to comfort my girl as she navigates and embraces all of her steps - but mourns</span></div>
<div>
<span style="background-color: black; color: white; font-family: inherit;">the loss of what she-and-I-were for the years before </span></div>
<div>
<span style="background-color: black; color: white; font-family: inherit;">We </span></div>
<div>
<span style="background-color: black; color: white; font-family: inherit;">All </span></div>
<div>
<span style="background-color: black; color: white; font-family: inherit;">Met.</span></div>
<div>
<span style="background-color: black; color: white; font-family: inherit;">And grappling with who<i> I </i>am as I link arms and hearts with another partner,</span></div>
<div>
<span style="background-color: black; color: white; font-family: inherit;">and understanding that as I move forward, my past, remains unchanged.</span></div>
<div>
<span style="background-color: black; color: white; font-family: inherit;"><br /></span></div>
<div>
<span style="background-color: black; color: white; font-family: inherit;">It is hard not ever being fully in control.</span></div>
<div>
<span style="background-color: black; color: white; font-family: inherit;">And here comes Father's Day.</span></div>
<div>
<span style="background-color: black; color: white; font-family: inherit;">A hurdle that never lowers in height.</span></div>
<div>
<span style="background-color: black; color: white; font-family: inherit;"><br /></span>
<span style="background-color: black; color: white; font-family: inherit;"><br /></span></div>
<div>
<span style="background-color: black; color: white; font-family: inherit;">But.</span></div>
<div>
<span style="background-color: black; color: white; font-family: inherit;"><br /></span></div>
<div>
<span style="background-color: black; color: white; font-family: inherit;">This</span></div>
<div>
<span style="background-color: black; color: white; font-family: inherit;">is all about accepting what comes your way,</span></div>
<div>
<span style="background-color: black; color: white; font-family: inherit;">moving within, around, alongside and beyond ....</span></div>
<div>
<span style="background-color: black; color: white; font-family: inherit;">Lessons more easily taught to an Almost Second Grader.</span></div>
<div>
<span style="background-color: black; color: white; font-family: inherit;">Constant practice of what I preach.</span></div>
<div>
<span style="background-color: black; color: white; font-family: inherit;">Days ago I cried as I ordered morning coffee,</span></div>
<div>
<span style="background-color: black; color: white; font-family: inherit;">felt so teen in my middle aged body.</span></div>
<div>
<span style="background-color: black; color: white; font-family: inherit;">Had to excuse myself to the bakery bathroom </span></div>
<div>
<span style="background-color: black; color: white; font-family: inherit;">to get a grip </span></div>
<div>
<span style="background-color: black; color: white; font-family: inherit;"><i>again</i>, </span></div>
<div>
<span style="background-color: black; color: white; font-family: inherit;">on all that's brought me to </span></div>
<div>
<span style="background-color: black; color: white; font-family: inherit;">This </span></div>
<div>
<span style="background-color: black; color: white; font-family: inherit;">Day.</span></div>
<div>
<span style="background-color: black; color: white; font-family: inherit;"><br /></span></div>
<div>
<span style="background-color: black; color: white; font-family: inherit;">(Surely Alan was cuing the violins, </span></div>
<div>
<span style="background-color: black; color: white; font-family: inherit;">somewhere </span></div>
<div>
<span style="background-color: black; color: white; font-family: inherit;">in the </span></div>
<div>
<span style="background-color: black; color: white; font-family: inherit;">Sun </span></div>
<div>
<span style="background-color: black; color: white; font-family: inherit;">Above.)</span></div>
<div>
<span style="background-color: black; color: white; font-family: inherit;"><br /></span></div>
<div>
<span style="background-color: black; color: white; font-family: inherit;">And then I am alright again.</span></div>
<div>
<span style="background-color: black; color: white; font-family: inherit;">Like a reggae song with an easy groove,</span></div>
<div>
<span style="background-color: black; color: white; font-family: inherit;">and Adam always feels just right.</span></div>
<div>
<span style="background-color: black; color: white; font-family: inherit;">So </span></div>
<div>
<span style="background-color: black; color: white; font-family: inherit;">Steady</span></div>
<div>
<span style="background-color: black; color: white; font-family: inherit;">He</span></div>
<div>
<span style="background-color: black; color: white; font-family: inherit;">Is</span></div>
<div>
<span style="background-color: black; color: white; font-family: inherit;">Grateful for a new man to be in love with and to be loved by,</span></div>
<div>
<span style="background-color: black; color: white; font-family: inherit;">Grateful to have a child who's never said no to this giant change.</span></div>
<div>
<span style="background-color: black; color: white; font-family: inherit;">Grateful for the children he too is raising, </span></div>
<div>
<span style="background-color: black; color: white; font-family: inherit;">Because I am, indeed, joyful - </span></div>
<div>
<span style="background-color: black; color: white; font-family: inherit;">and excited to look forward to all that lights the path</span></div>
<div>
<span style="background-color: black; color: white; font-family: inherit;">Ahead.</span></div>
<div>
<span style="background-color: black; color: white; font-family: inherit;"><br /></span></div>
<div>
<div>
<span style="background-color: black; color: white; font-family: inherit;">Can't ever know what force it was, that led us to reconnect</span></div>
<div>
<span style="background-color: black; color: white; font-family: inherit;">in this Circle Game...</span></div>
</div>
<div>
<span style="background-color: black; color: white; font-family: inherit;">But it is another Good Beginning,</span></div>
<div>
<span style="background-color: black; color: white; font-family: inherit;">for both of us,</span></div>
<div>
<span style="background-color: black; color: white; font-family: inherit;">so all together</span></div>
<div>
<span style="background-color: black; color: white; font-family: inherit;">we</span></div>
<div>
<span style="background-color: black; color: white; font-family: inherit;">will</span></div>
<div>
<span style="background-color: black; color: white; font-family: inherit;">go.</span></div>
<div>
<br /></div>
HalfKinghttp://www.blogger.com/profile/05813394341471219571noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-428340023030688628.post-38273092281278075742016-03-11T16:25:00.001-05:002016-03-11T16:25:27.271-05:00Feeling Good.I<br />
am<br />
getting<br />
<i>married</i>.<br />
<br />
Never guessed never dreamed those words<br />
would come out of my mouth<br />
again.<br />
<br />
Still feels like a daydream, stuns my senses<br />
despite how right it feels.<br />
When I peek at rings it still feels like I need to explain<br />
I'm a widow, but I'm getting married,<br />
not sure if I deserve the ring, or if it's right,<br />
because I have one,<br />
I mean, had one, but but but...<br />
But this is <i>New</i> Love<br />
and a <i>new </i>start -<br />
so that sweet stone, that my grandfather saved up for,<br />
now sits in a drawer<br />
waiting<br />
for his great granddaughter's hand -<br />
to use when <i>she</i> is graced with<br />
Another's Love.<br />
<br />
But I will always be a widow -<br />
I will.<br />
And I don't mind the label ~<br />
Reminds me of where I've been<br />
and has forever shaped the woman I am<br />
today<br />
and who I will continue to be.<br />
And it's introduced me to a crowd,<br />
yes crowd,<br />
of powerhouse women - who have rejoined this world like<br />
<i>lions,</i><br />
with fierce and proud and poignant memories of all that came<br />
before.<br />
<br />
And as I walk on, with Lily by my side,<br />
we will forever be a deeply connected duo.<br />
To think she's just turned seven...<br />
She's come so far from that Friday dawn<br />
when she entered this world<br />
breathing life into mine.<br />
<br />
She brought me back,<br />
led the way.<br />
Threw me over her shoulder and hauled me with<br />
oblivious ease<br />
through nights and mornings and feedings and swings,<br />
walks and grass, bandaids and rain,<br />
first days and lessons,<br />
milestones and anniversaries, Father's Days and Mother's Days.<br />
<br />
Remarkable what one little person can do,<br />
just as her school song says.<br />
<br />
This morning I savored how she held my hand<br />
a little-kid-lapse in her crusade to grow up.<br />
Signaled me with our Secret Squeeze,<br />
reminding me of how we will always be<br />
Us.<br />
<br />
So together we're embracing our new(ish) family,<br />
she loves her soon-to-be Steps,<br />
she loves her second dad,<br />
and I love them all and how they<br />
so openly<span id="goog_248491275"></span><span id="goog_248491276"></span><a href="https://www.blogger.com/"></a><br />
allow us<br />
into<br />
<i>their</i> world.<br />
It is as though, somehow, we've won the lottery,<br />
despite the landmark crater in my heart,<br />
and the wanting hole in hers...<br />
As a friend reminded me just today,<br />
we must see that it is not happiness that makes us grateful,<br />
but gratefulness that makes us happy.<br />
<br />
When I hear Lily laugh with them<br />
it is the<br />
sweetest<br />
music<br />
to my<br />
ears.<br />
<br />
We are grateful.<br />
We are happy.<br />
<a href="https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=D5Y11hwjMNs" target="_blank">Sing.</a>HalfKinghttp://www.blogger.com/profile/05813394341471219571noreply@blogger.com1tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-428340023030688628.post-63026798178698233552015-12-04T00:10:00.001-05:002015-12-04T00:13:36.015-05:00Bleecker Street<br />
Not quite sure<br />
<div>
How.</div>
<div>
… How</div>
<div>
I might explain</div>
<div>
The List</div>
<div>
of names from yesterday's loss</div>
<div>
to an almost seven year old girl, today.</div>
<div>
Conversation so layered and loaded</div>
<div>
and we've only just discussed families with nowhere to go, </div>
<div>
bad choices made to hurt people,</div>
<div>
pollution in China, </div>
<div>
a vanishing island and </div>
<div>
Japanese internment.<br />
<br />
She can read now.</div>
<div>
<br /></div>
<div>
And then I see </div>
<div>
Today's Names.</div>
<div>
Like rings on a tree, </div>
<div>
each life was a generation -</div>
<div>
and they all represented the soul of a country we are lucky</div>
<div>
to</div>
<div>
<br />
Share.</div>
<div>
<br /></div>
<div>
Johnson, Bet-badal, Godoy, Amanios, Kaufman, Bowman,</div>
<div>
Velasco, Clayborn, Adams, Thalasinos, </div>
<div>
Nguyen, Espinoza, Meins, Wetzel</div>
<div>
<br /></div>
<div>
There They Are, Lily. </div>
<div>
Do you hear the sounds in their names?</div>
<div>
see the sneaky consonants, </div>
<div>
the tricky vowel combinations -</div>
<div>
Take a good look at all those names,</div>
<div>
they celebrate heritage, harbor hope,</div>
<div>
color our world </div>
<div>
and tell us how so many families,</div>
<div>
like ours,</div>
<div>
most likely all started </div>
<div>
<br /></div>
<div>
Somewhere</div>
<div>
Else.</div>
<div>
<br /></div>
<div>
What <i>is</i> there to destroy in those</div>
<div>
Rainbow Names?</div>
<div>
<br /></div>
<div>
She is studying community.</div>
<div>
The word rolls off her lips with pride,</div>
<div>
hits the T with hear-me aplomb</div>
<div>
she is only just seeing its beauty</div>
<div>
for the very</div>
<div>
first time.</div>
<div>
<br /></div>
<div>
I will someday have to talk this through with her,</div>
<div>
though I hope it's not tomorrow.</div>
<div>
She's taking in our</div>
<div>
Big</div>
<div>
Problems<br />
one thought at a time.</div>
<div>
But her shoulders are small,</div>
<div>
and she loves her Village.</div>
<div>
<br />
Fog's sure to lift, </div>
<div>
soon enough. </div>
<div>
But for now, <a href="https://m.youtube.com/watch?v=MYikjU-uukI" target="_blank">(shhhh….)</a>...</div>
<div>
<br /></div>
<div>
<br /></div>
HalfKinghttp://www.blogger.com/profile/05813394341471219571noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-428340023030688628.post-38245230557572612032015-10-13T11:26:00.002-04:002015-10-15T22:51:23.497-04:00Fall / Time.<br />
Just recently I went to a Bar Mitzvah,<br />
For the son of an old friend.<br />
I marveled at how this college comrade had grown him.<br />
I could still see her across a cafe table,<br />
over a pot of tea, an Apricot Jewel on a plate between us,<br />
and art history notes scattered before us...<br />
She had waited for this day.<br />
Pretty soon this will be Lily, she smiled,<br />
and then returned to her coming-of-age creation.<br />
<br />
It's these rituals that tug at me,<br />
deep within my chest.<br />
Always happens in sacred places<br />
the beauty almost too much for me to bear.<br />
The voices soft yet strong - finding home amid<br />
stenciled walls, onion domes, Eastern patterns,<br />
dangling, stately lights.<br />
And as we move through the hour,<br />
all I can do is keep the ache in my throat<br />
frozen at bay<br />
for fear if I exhale<br />
out will come<br />
the sobs,<br />
the surrendering slouch<br />
of a person still grappling with the<br />
passage<br />
of<br />
time.<br />
<br />
And while I don't long for this particular ritual for Lily,<br />
I am envious of the opportunity it offers -<br />
the ceremonial invitation into adulthood<br />
the acknowledgement of how far they have come,<br />
the opportunity to celebrate the strides they have taken<br />
every day of their young lives, until this point.<br />
<br />
Shouldn't they all be commended for their<br />
arrival and survival?<br />
<br />
I search the ceilings for answers.<br />
<br />
Growing up is no small feat.<br />
<br />
This <i>place</i> is part of our culture and reminds us of some of our roots,<br />
though I am a believer in many spirits - not just One.<br />
But when I see the rabbi place her hands on a gently bowed head<br />
and hear the whispered murmurings between them,<br />
it is Alan I see<br />
with his hands on<br />
Our Girl<br />
and I imagine what she will look like<br />
when she reaches that age.<br />
I can see her head bent, dark downcast eyes,<br />
I see bangs and length,<br />
soft cheeks and awkward grace.<br />
<br />
Surely she would listen, quietly, to his affirming words.<br />
<br />
It is these life moments<br />
that strangle my gut...<br />
and thrust me into "how will I do this" mode -<br />
without her Dad to help me guide her.<br />
<br />
But sure enough, he showed up that morning,<br />
in the form of another old friend's encompassing and gentle warm hand,<br />
that reached for me toward the end of the service.<br />
<br />
It's okay, Sus, he said through her touch -<br />
It's <span style="font-family: Times, Times New Roman, serif;">okay</span>. <br />
<br />
All I could do to keep my heart steady,<br />
was look up at the patterns,<br />
to keep the tears from spilling.<br />
<br />
But then they closed with one of my favorites,<br />
a relief to hear,<br />
it loosened the Hold <br />
and sent me on my way.<br />
<br />
This version, my all-time favorite: <a href="https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=geno6s5sk7U" target="_blank">Turn Turn Turn</a> <br />
<br />
<br />
<br />HalfKinghttp://www.blogger.com/profile/05813394341471219571noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-428340023030688628.post-49088379715721049312015-10-02T10:52:00.003-04:002015-10-02T10:52:48.139-04:00She's a Rainbow<br />Sometimes<br />
it feels<br />
like<br />
an <br />
eruption<br />
has happened, in our<br />
home.<br />
Teenage Explosions that shower<br />
lava<br />
all around me<br />
and the heat of it all<br />
melts my resolve<br />
instantly<br />
and then rushes on<br />
and<br />
breaks<br />
my<br />
heart.<br />
<br />
Such power<br />
She has,<br />
in her six year old frame<br />
the anger and frustration with nowhere to go but<br />
up<br />
and<br />
out<br />
<br />
over to my corner<br />
where I brace myself<br />
against nothing but<br />
hope and the spine that used to keep me so<br />
strong<br />
and ready<br />
for anything<br />
<br />
And then I have conversations,<br />
in my mind,<br />
with Alan -<br />
and while he tells me she's just grappling<br />
and struggling and missing and longing,<br />
I tell him it feels like<br />
she's thinking it's my fault,<br />
she's mad at me that <br />
You're<br />
Not<br />
Here<br />
and<br />
she's<br />
wishing<br />
I could go away<br />
<br />
I think she'd like a<br />
trade<br />
to get<br />
him<br />
back.<br />
Then maybe we'd see more<br />
of her<br />
<a href="https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=zphAHMPtu4g" target="_blank">cooler colors.</a>HalfKinghttp://www.blogger.com/profile/05813394341471219571noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-428340023030688628.post-13084290065159661582015-09-04T14:35:00.000-04:002015-09-04T14:36:14.830-04:00For A & A<br />
An acquaintance just got married...<br />
Don't know her well,<br />
but in some ways, I might know her more than most.<br />
She's widowed, with a little girl.<br />
Lost her first man in a similar battle.<br />
She found me, years ago,<br />
long distance, as we survivors tend to do.<br />
There is something special when you walk similar paths -<br />
you share thoughts knowingly,<br />
and ponder similar questions.<br />
You share the same secret fears,<br />
discuss challenges without concern of uninformed judgement,<br />
and contemplate hopes that seem so far off.<br />
<br />
But she got there.<br />
<br />
And just the other day, I caught her -<br />
smiling on Facebook, with her girl under her arm.<br />
Both in their wedding best -<br />
beautiful in its non-pomp -<br />
because this was a different celebration.<br />
The continuation of a journey but an<br />
arrived at destination -<br />
There was a look in her eyes that said it all<br />
I have loved, been loved, am loved and continue to find love<br />
For<br />
Us<br />
Both<br />
and in those same eyes was a look I know so well.<br />
They announced ease and comfort,<br />
a firmly rooted stillness,<br />
and a reflection that gracefully acknowledged<br />
what they had been through,<br />
what she had endured<br />
and the heartache she will forever feel,<br />
in moments that flash between sips of coffee, <br />
or fly by with a turn of her daughter's head.<br />
<br />
But the beauty that she displays<br />
is the image<br />
we all<br />
hope for.<br />
<br />
We women are strong,<br />
and this one,<br />
this friend, and her pint-sized life companion,<br />
deserve all that she has found<br />
so thoughtfully for<br />
them<br />
both.<br />
Some Mom.<br />
Some Partner.<br />
Some Woman.<br />
<br />
<br />
<br />HalfKinghttp://www.blogger.com/profile/05813394341471219571noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-428340023030688628.post-91094799596351748642015-08-04T13:07:00.000-04:002015-08-04T13:08:09.807-04:00Four<br />
Never knew<br />
I'd find love again,<br />
never thought<br />
it'd happen like this.<br />
<br />
Seven years ago<br />
away went the dreams<br />
the union,<br />
the lives <br />
that<br />
we<br />
had hoped for,<br />
had planned.<br />
<br />
Except for One.<br />
She stuck with me, and together, we forge<br />
Intrepid Life Explorers <br />
new territory,<br />
friendships,<br />
places,<br />
love.<br />
And now, with Adam,<br />
come Three More<br />
makes me smile as I write<br />
'cause <br />
we'll<br />
take<br />
it<br />
all,<br />
she and I.<br />
<br />
Yes. Please.<br />
<br />
Love the company, the play,<br />
the backseat singing,<br />
the take turn arguing,<br />
the no-tech bartering,<br />
the can't sleep annoying,<br />
the mealtime talking,<br />
the hotels and motels,<br />
lakes and pools,<br />
happy laughing,<br />
together adventuring, <br />
ice-cream dripping <br />
too-long-in-the-car-road-trip-tripping,<br />
and aunts and uncles and grandparent sharing.<br />
<br />
And<br />
Oh The Sleep -<br />
when they're all<br />
Finally<br />
Down...<br />
It is then that I feel family,<br />
stronger than ever<br />
and know that though<br />
Lily and I are<br />
one<br />
tight<br />
duo,<br />
there's always room<br />
for<br />
more. <br />
<br />
<br />
<br />
<br />HalfKinghttp://www.blogger.com/profile/05813394341471219571noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-428340023030688628.post-55136997203313357902015-06-22T13:40:00.004-04:002015-06-22T13:42:21.148-04:00Fly Away.<br />
<div>
Summer's come.</div>
<div>
Swept my girl out Kindergarten's door.</div>
<div>
A year of words and books and ducks,</div>
<div>
apples, weavings, workbooks and risks.<br />
<br />
<div>
First Grade is hovering,</div>
<div>
and Wednesday's morning found me</div>
<div>
standing on the sidewalk,<br />
eyes blurred by motherhood stun.</div>
<div>
Left me holding a clay bird's nest -<br />
resting cool and heavy,<br />
in my hands.</div>
<div>
My grasp fit her fingerprint grooves so well -<br />
how grateful I was to share the mold.. </div>
A final holdout from<br />
The Early Years.</div>
<div>
<br />
We wrapped with a camping trip, her first sleep outdoors - </div>
<div>
in a tent I last used with Alan.</div>
<div>
Still had some leaves and nature, stowed away, inside,<br />
so we left it there, she and I. </div>
<div>
Daddy Grass we called it.<br />
She romped in the river, muddied with her friends,<br />
ran wild, cooked s'mores, <br />
relished in the dirt and freedom.<br />
All hers, all weekend long.<br />
<br />
Only thing missing was her dad and his guitar,<br />
would have been nice in the campfire dark.<br />
<br />
A week of milestones, right on time, <br />
extra heavy with a dose of Father's Day,<br />
waiting ahead. <br />
Got that Mid-Week-Edge that eventually eased,<br />
it's the approach that fills me with<br />
bluesy musings. <br />
But yesterday she got to show off Adam to her sleep-over friend,<br />
an Almost Dad with just the right vibes. <br />
"He's good at things" I heard her say as they vanished into her room.<br />
<br />
And later last night as I was turning out the lights<br />
in zoomed a ladybug that landed on our wall ~<br />
<br />
Right</div>
<div>
On</div>
<div>
Time... </div>
<div>
</div>
<div>
Had to shake my head with sweet surprise, </div>
<div>
rarely a no-show on days like these.</div>
<div>
Not sure how he does it but once again,<br />
He did.<br />
Made me want to wake up Lily,<br />
whisper <i>Daddy was here for a quick hello</i>.<br />
But two girls down is no small feat,<br />
so I'll tell her tonight that<br />
He<br />
Came<br />
By.<br />
<br />
<a href="https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=lyN-krBTWLY" target="_blank">(listen)</a> </div>
HalfKinghttp://www.blogger.com/profile/05813394341471219571noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-428340023030688628.post-3950223998269764562015-05-15T21:02:00.000-04:002015-05-29T11:10:57.243-04:00Ooh Child.<br />
Sometimes I need just a bit more light. <br />
A boost, a bump, a gentle push...<br />
It's usually the sun that saves me, ushers me along.<br />
Can't help but make a bee-line toward the gleam -<br />
Love to sit on a stoop beneath it,<br />
rush toward its shine on the seat of a bus<br />
my own musical chairs. <br />
Morning prize <br />
to sit on it,<br />
in it.<br />
To be within it.<br />
Its warmth reminds me, reassures me,<br />
Everything's OK.<br />
<br />
It is.<br />
<br />
Mother's Day was sweet.<br />
But can't say I didn't wake with that gnawing ache -<br />
The One that shadows on<br />
days like these.<br />
Persistent pain that nudges and tugs -<br />
pulls at my shirt tails, slows my step...<br />
Asking asking, disbelieving,<br />
<br />
<i>Where is the man that gave me the girl?</i><br />
<br />
The Girl <br />
that leans on appliances and tells me the earth is round,<br />
that the North Pole is real, <br />
the sun is fire.<br />
Loves the scent on my wrist, breathes it to calm her down.<br />
Informs me that Flamingo knees bend backward, <br />
makes predictions,<br />
and tells me "the message" of a story...<br />
Says "that's not really my thing" as she selectively shops,<br />
mutters Jesus Christ under her breath<br />
and sleeps late <i>only</i> on weekdays.<br />
<br />
Oh how she makes living so very worthwhile.<br />
<br />
And then I am reminded of everyone I've got,<br />
and know his shadow need not be dark.<br />
He's the one that stumbles my sandals on the sidewalk cracks, <br />
but makes sure I don't fall through.<br />
Shakes me softly out of my stupor - as I shuffle through petals,<br />
that paint the ground pink.<br />
Such beauty in this Mother's Day haze.<br />
And then it's Adam's hands I reach for, that hold mine tight.<br />
Steady my heart, make me feel alright.<br />
<br />
This was not the motherhood I had imagined,<br />
but it is beautiful, all the same.<br />
<br />HalfKinghttp://www.blogger.com/profile/05813394341471219571noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-428340023030688628.post-18184947364014005222015-04-04T15:46:00.000-04:002015-04-04T15:50:23.969-04:00SpringTime. <br />
Winter's gradually giving in,<br />
still straining to chill, fighting for time,<br />
with gasps of raindrops and wind.<br />
But Spring will win, any day...<br />
Better<br />
Be<br />
Soon.<br />
<br />
April is Here.<br />
<br />
Thankfully, we got a dose of sun.<br />
A visit to Ca. softened our shoulders,<br />
loosened our stride.<br />
Lily got to see her Grandpa,<br />
over eighty years between the two...<br />
So much love I feel between them,<br />
and yet<br />
the<br />
guilt<br />
I<br />
feel<br />
to have someone<br />
that she<br />
does<br />
not.<br />
It is a<br />
kind of<br />
connection<br />
she can't know -<br />
but still searches for,<br />
hopeful<br />
she<br />
might.<br />
<br />
The other night she slipped me a note,<br />
her newest mode of communication.<br />
I am glad she is able to find other homes<br />
for her words.<br />
I know that need,<br />
the urge <br />
to put them<br />
somewhere<br />
else.<br />
<br />
I love you Daddy. I love you to the moon and back.<br />
You make everyday better.<br />
<br />
She is big on note writing these days.<br />
I now have a considerable<br />
Apology Series,<br />
always delivered surreptitiously -<br />
little<br />
white<br />
flags<br />
announced by the rustle-fuss underneath my door.<br />
Like dollars for a vending machine, uncreased then flattened<br />
just-right-enough,<br />
coaxed through to my side.<br />
Eyes waiting to see them pulled within.<br />
<br />
But she enjoyed our family visit.<br />
Fed the carp, played at the beach.<br />
Reconnected with her California Best<br />
in teacups, over boat ride plunges and Small World wonderment,<br />
Hi Madeleine!! she yelled over her shoulder <br />
craning to see ahead as she<br />
wove drove our auto on a Disney stretch -<br />
invisible trailing scarf, cap and goggles donned.<br />
Then we all relished in desert dry and a Palm Springs pool,<br />
sunny days and windy nights,<br />
topped off by a hotel ruled by blunt bangs and tatooed cool.<br />
This is a Ricky Ricardo room, mama, <br />
alluding to the tropical feel.<br />
Sure, I said.<br />
<br />
She had a point.<br />
Usually does.<br />
Most always punctuated by <i>Basically</i> and <i>Seriously?</i><br />
<br />
Finally home to NYC,<br />
just in time<br />
for her<br />
first<br />
tooth<br />
loss.<br />
Excitement beyond adventure, sugar or friends.<br />
Even trumped the back-to-winter-blues.. <br />
Aged a few years by her new-tooth-gap.<br />
Her Parking Space, I call it.<br />
<br />
But even the Space has a new one poking through.<br />
<br />
New shoot heralding Spring.<br />
<br />
<br />HalfKinghttp://www.blogger.com/profile/05813394341471219571noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-428340023030688628.post-65300609338592637622015-03-09T16:09:00.003-04:002015-03-09T16:09:42.112-04:00Balloon. Six.<br />
<br />
Lily is SIX.<br />
Been wearing a sequined sweater six for months,<br />
been wiggling the tooth,<br />
riding horses with fearless intention,<br />
skiing happily, hands pocketed as though she were casually<br />
gliding down a mountain.<br />
<br />
Not sure where her confidence comes from,<br />
it is a facet of her that is all hers...<br />
Not from her dad, not from her mama,<br />
this quality is homegrown.<br />
Sprouted<br />
out<br />
of<br />
Self.<br />
<br />
She celebrated her birthday with closest family and pals,<br />
her best gift a collection of "Daddy Stories" solicited from his oldest and dearest friends.<br />
Just last night she ripped a turning page by accident,<br />
studying it with her night-lite<br />
(another birthday gift for the-girl-who-now-can-read)<br />
in bed<br />
on<br />
her<br />
own.<br />
<br />
With six came words like<br />
Graffiti<br />
and<br />
Prediction,<br />
expressions like<br />
"I rather prefer"<br />
and<br />
"That doesn't make sense" and "oh my god! That's so crazy".<br />
<br />
"Mama, I'm going to make a prediction... When Ricky sees Lucy he's going to say 'aye yay yay'"<br />
<br />
And with that, I say the same.<br />
<br />
As her birthday afternoon came to a close,<br />
she and I rode in a taxi with her best buddy since birth,<br />
on our way for more play,<br />
red balloon in hand.<br />
<br />
I want to let it go into the sky Mama, when we get home.<br />
OK I said, so happy to celebrate her life, yet wistful with gentle ache,<br />
knowing the wish that I knew was to come.<br />
<br />
So there we stood on the sidewalk,<br />
make a wish her friend said,<br />
but don't tell us or it won't come true...<br />
I know what it is she exclaimed with a wide wide smile, <br />
as she released her bright red balloon into the pure blue sky.<br />
Together we watched it soar up, up, up! <br />
<br />
I wished that Daddy would come back to life!<br />
<br />
Maybe he will, Lily, her old friend said - also hopeful in early life -<br />
supporting her dreams as<br />
Dear<br />
Friends<br />
Do<br />
<br />
no Pumpkin, I said softly (my least favorite truth), that's a beautiful wish -<br />
but unfortunately he can't come back. <br />
But his Spirit is here with us, in our hearts...<br />
<br />
I know, she said..<br />
<br />
Maybe even <i>closer</i>, he said.<br />
<br />
And with that we went into the building. <br />
<br />
<br />
<br />
<br />HalfKinghttp://www.blogger.com/profile/05813394341471219571noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-428340023030688628.post-70881706891829451242015-02-09T17:07:00.001-05:002015-02-09T17:28:55.981-05:00Long. Live. Love. (Soaring Spirits)<br />
Finally made it -<br />
Camp Widow it's called, special place, special people -<br />
Air rich with understanding,<br />
hallway conversations with unnamed people -<br />
introductions hardly needed.<br />
Everyone just gets<br />
it. <br />
Beautiful,<br />
universal-understanding<br />
of what<br />
<i>this loss</i><br />
is. <br />
How easily I identify with instant tears.<br />
Our hearts are all indelibly linked.<br />
Never thought my first visit would be to share my own approach to honoring<br />
people we love...<br />
But I did it.<br />
<br />
I did it. <br />
<br />
And it felt good, so good,<br />
to support others moving forward with their kids,<br />
while always glancing back. <br />
<br />
Gave Lily a commemorative tile I had made<br />
<br />
I wish Mary Poppins was here so we could jump into it, Mama, <br />
Yes, I know Pumpkin - wouldn't that be the best?<br />
How did he get sick?<br />
That's a good question, I just don't know - I wonder that too -<br />
Even the doctors aren't sure, so they're doing lots of science projects to figure it out.<br />
He couldn't be breathed in?<br />
No, Pumpkin, that wouldn't have helped. Not for his kind of sick. <br />
Like Dr. Martin Luther King - I wish they had breathed in him and then he could be alive.<br />
Yes, Pumpkin, I agree.<br />
<br />
Remarkable how many warriors exist today -<br />
Strong children, strong parents -<br />
So many who have lost so much,<br />
Spouses,<br />
Spouses with children,<br />
Sons and daughters.<br />
Athletes of the heart where you just keep<br />
pushing<br />
on...<br />
Pushing on through.<br />
And to think I joined this weekend with Another Love<br />
by<br />
my<br />
side.<br />
Another remarkable aspect of this surprising life. <br />
Thought my longing and loneliness was terminal - <br />
but I can gratefully say it wasn't so.<br />
There were others there who have also found new partners<br />
and they're all navigating with love and hope and respect.<br />
Such<br />
an inspiring<br />
crowd.<br />
<br />
<br />
And Alan was there -<br />
Saw him on the sailboat, and in the nautical knots,<br />
the bar monkey murals... <br />
He even played a song on the rental car radio.<br />
<a href="https://www.blogger.com/goog_1097016813"><br /></a>
Felt good to know he was<br />
<a href="https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=HNicfq8vLy8">with us too.</a><br />
<br />
<br />HalfKinghttp://www.blogger.com/profile/05813394341471219571noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-428340023030688628.post-29051322012319180662015-01-21T16:16:00.001-05:002015-01-21T16:39:31.338-05:002015. (Girl meets river.)<br />
New Year is here, it's a cold slow start,<br />
dry winds, not enough snow.<br />
Indifferent Winter days, push us indoors,<br />
while bare trees outside stand stiffly and wait.<br />
<br />
But Lily keeps the days turning,<br />
She's advancing on me, an affront of opinions<br />
and curious inquiries.<br />
Life talk, body talk, death talk.<br />
Eyes wide open, every dawn, her words spill out<br />
as though they had been locked up since the night before.<br />
<br />
How I love my loose toothed whirling dervish. <br />
Keeps me on my toes.<br />
Nearing Six, she's so twelve. <br />
<br />
Just recently we passed a cemetery - I explained what it was.<br />
She liked the headstones. <br />
Can we get one of those for Daddy? She asked.<br />
Well, Pumpkin... and then came the explanation I had shared with her in my mind<br />
over<br />
and over<br />
and over again:<br />
<br />
When people get old, (or very, very sick)<br />
sometimes they decide when they die
they want to be buried in the ground.<br />
Other people would rather they be
made into a special dust that you can scatter<br />
in special
places<br />
that that person really loved.<br />
It sounds weird,<br />
but since
when bodies are dead they can't feel anything,<br />
<i>so there is no pain</i>,<br />
they use a special fire that burns the bodies into ashes like a special dust.<br />
And they put the dust into a container and then we can sprinkle them<br />
in special places<br />
like<br />
rivers,<br />
or ocean,<br />
or softball fields.<br />
<br />
Looking out the window,<br />
Where do they get burned?<br />
<br />
In
special ovens.<br />
But even though the bodies get burned,<br />
they don't feel
anything,<br />
because when a person dies, their body can't feel anything.<br />
<br />
<div>
Have you seen that? Who does it?</div>
<div>
No, I haven't seen that, Pumpkin, </div>
<div>
Special people do that and then once the ashes/dust are in the container they give them to us.</div>
<div>
<br /></div>
<div>
But how do they get them out of the oven?</div>
<div>
Um... I think they use a special shovel to get them out carefully.</div>
<div>
</div>
<div>
<br />
Silence. Contemplation. More backseat questions.</div>
<div>
</div>
<div>
<br />
There was a Charlie Brown episode about that! </div>
<div>
Like Snoopy or Charlie Brown got dead or something, </div>
<div>
and they burned him into special dust and then they sprinkled it.</div>
<div>
</div>
<div>
<br />
It was funny, she said. </div>
<div>
<br /></div>
<div>
With that, she put those big ideas</div>
<div>
into an animated, happy, contemplative place in her mind.</div>
<div>
And heart.</div>
<div>
</div>
<div>
So proud of her I am. </div>
<div>
The way she takes things in, </div>
<div>
digests them, </div>
<div>
wonders about them,</div>
<div>
pursues them boldly and then places them creatively in her thoughts. </div>
<div>
</div>
<div>
<br />
We call it "Daddy Dust".</div>
<div>
</div>
<div>
<br />
Now she asks others if they know about it.</div>
<div>
</div>
<div>
<br />
Just last week she asked to see some.</div>
<div>
So with her fingers that are shaped </div>
<div>
just </div>
<div>
like</div>
<div>
his, </div>
<div>
she gently put them in the box</div>
<div>
and </div>
<div>
touched </div>
<div>
him </div>
<div>
with </div>
<div>
her hands.</div>
<div>
<br /></div>
<div>
Weird, she said.</div>
<div>
<div>
<br />
Can I have dessert Mama?</div>
</div>
<div>
</div>
<div>
<br />
(smile)</div>
<div>
</div>
<div>
<br />
So brave how she goes straight to the water.</div>
<div>
Confronts the river.</div>
<div>
Dips her toes,</div>
<div>
<a href="https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=6h92YXw2t28" target="_blank">and then walks away</a>. </div>
<br />
<div>
<br /></div>
HalfKinghttp://www.blogger.com/profile/05813394341471219571noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-428340023030688628.post-44302458349517553382014-12-10T16:32:00.000-05:002014-12-14T21:02:45.000-05:00Anniversary Lucky I am..<br />
Today <br />
marks<br />
One.<br />
One (plus 24).<br />
Last year someone I once knew,<br />
came to me<br />
in a different<br />
Light.<br />
And this year, despite the unexpected wrong,<br />
it manages to feel <br />
wondrous and right.<br />
This other, special, Love. <br />
<br />
I told you about him, Alan, I did. <br />
<br />
So many turns to navigate...<br />
No map, ever, for this unexpected road - <br />
the scenery still flashes silhouettes<br />
that hope-trick my heart,<br />
mannerisms in other people's shrugs, <br />
such familiarity in their sideways nods -<br />
and new revelations in family ways,<br />
beautiful to see but surprises all the same...<br />
<br />
And I still stumble<br />
through dreams that grapple, confront and plead...<br />
We talk, we cry, we laugh<br />
We are old loves & good friends, you and I,<br />
as I tell you about Our Lily and recount for you our days - <br />
Remember how the other night <br />
I cried to you...<br />
Explained,<br />
and wept-confessed,<br />
reminding us both of the choice that I had faced<br />
the river I had to cross<br />
<br />
I could<br />
either<br />
die<br />
with<br />
you,<br />
or<br />
keep<br />
on<br />
living<br />
<br />
You nodded,<br />
understood.<br />
I saw it<br />
in your gaze, ahead.<br />
<br />
So today, it's One, with Adam.<br />
Lily loves him too.<br />
He came to Wings and Beer, with us -<br />
along with so many of those who continue to love<br />
and celebrate,<br />
and long<br />
for<br />
you.<br />
<br />
Jake watched football while Lily fed him fries,<br />
by the end of the evening they were sliding into home<br />
on the barroom floor... <br />
Olivia texted from a corner booth, phone for her book.<br />
Sophie is golden and statuesque, so very far from six.<br />
Steve said it was an All Star turnout...<br />
All Star It Was -<br />
Our family, and your ever endearing friends<br />
even Dr. Keohan <br />
still by your side.<br />
Elizabeth brought us Chunkies,<br />
and the Red Vines came from Chris. <br />
<br />
Love from all around.<br />
Adam observed from a quieter spot,<br />
perhaps you shared the view.<br />
<br />
You<br />
remain part<br />
of<br />
our<br />
everydays.<br />
<a href="https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=nQZCnMcQOCM" target="_blank"><br /></a>
And Adam's joined us all. <a href="https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=nQZCnMcQOCM" target="_blank">(listen...)</a><br />
<br />HalfKinghttp://www.blogger.com/profile/05813394341471219571noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-428340023030688628.post-24887020626309194572014-10-20T11:25:00.000-04:002014-10-20T11:25:07.717-04:00About Time.<br />
Finally,<br />
Fall.<br />
Had to come - was beginning to cause some ache.<br />
Seasons get me, rock me, pull me,<br />
When I'm in, I'm in, but the getting there is tough.<br />
Like a Summer Adolescence,<br />
at some point,<br />
I need it to be<br />
over.<br />
<br />
And October is Alan's month.<br />
Just is.<br />
Blustery cool, wool, and leaves -<br />
a month he could<br />
wrap himself in,<br />
nearly see his breath<br />
as the trees<br />
let<br />
go.<br />
<br />
So September slipped right through my fingers.<br />
Lily sauntered off to Kindergarten,<br />
no big deal.<br />
Hardly a look back from this One.<br />
Got the squeeze,<br />
got the kiss,<br />
and then<br />
she let<br />
<i>me</i><br />
go.<br />
Solid in appearance,<br />
it all makes sense,<br />
the i in her name -<br />
often drawn as its tallest letter ~<br />
Proud spirit,<br />
lanky, steady.<br />
Upright Exclamation.<br />
<br />
She always was an I.<br />
<br />
Nearly fools me with her rock-steadiness.<br />
How do they do that - so young?<br />
Just back from Portland where we celebrated a friend,<br />
shedding <i>his</i> youth with courage and grace.<br />
A weekend full of familial love, it almost was too much…<br />
In a slide show her Dad appeared, I appeared, She appeared -<br />
another flash of who we were but never got<br />
to be.<br />
<br />
Beautiful blow to the gut.<br />
Got me then and there. <br />
But took some days,<br />
to dig its way,<br />
to that fragile<br />
soul of hers.<br />
<br />
Reached her core though...<br />
And then I am reminded of her tissue paper wings,<br />
thin-as-silk skin,<br />
hummingbird heart -<br />
that gently ever-mourns in its own secluded way. <br />
So delicate, The Knockout Kid.<br />
That's when the DNA really shows - just like her parents,<br />
tough tough shell around feather soft insides. <br />
Reminds me to be extra careful with her heart<br />
as she races round the corner into Autumn.<br />
Recent nights I check on her<br />
and see<br />
she's placed a wedding photo<br />
on a pouf<br />
beside her<br />
bed.<br />
<br />
Sometimes we're so close it's hard to see<br />
where I end<br />
and she<br />
begins...<br />
It's the quiet nighttime moments when I can study her as she sleeps <br />
that bring me back to my naivete as a parent.<br />
It is then I see her Self most clearly.<br />
Separate, quiet, journeying mind,<br />
body flanking the entire bed -<br />
securing space around her.<br />
And then I apologize to her,<br />
for forgetting about those<br />
deepest layers<br />
hidden under her daytime cloak -<br />
and shamefully whisper in her ear<br />
that<br />
I'll<br />
do<br />
better<br />
when<br />
the morning<br />
comes. <br />
<br />
<br />
<br />
<br />
<br />
<br />
<br />
<br />
<br />HalfKinghttp://www.blogger.com/profile/05813394341471219571noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-428340023030688628.post-26815516156442020132014-08-27T11:42:00.000-04:002014-08-27T11:42:15.353-04:00Lily's Reach<br />
September is rolling up Summer's carpet<br />
Tucking it away in morning shadows<br />
And as much as I mourn our shrinking days<br />
I think I need<br />
to<br />
catch<br />
my<br />
breath..<br />
<br />
(Got to make the morning last....)<br />
<br />
Beautiful June, July & August ~<br />
Miles of travel,<br />
gravel and sand,<br />
high clouds and roads,<br />
soft, spongy, <br />
moss covered paths.<br />
Arms full of babes, and kids and tweens.<br />
Swings, swims, henna, challah,<br />
siblings, cousins, dogs and berries.<br />
Aunts and Uncles, daughter mamas,<br />
daughters' moms and two new dogs,<br />
Ca to Maine<br />
Old<br />
to<br />
New<br />
Lobsters, ocean, kayaks, canoe.<br />
<br />
Soaring<br />
Bald<br />
Eagles<br />
in treetop lookouts<br />
such ease as they<br />
lift off<br />
and<br />
land...<br />
Must model my moves after them,<br />
as August comes to a close. <br />
<br />
This has been my <br />
Summer Of Beautiful Ache<br />
Lily and I have been graced with new family-like friends<br />
Our table more often set for Three<br />
(sometimes even six)<br />
<br />
Lily has said Yes to it all<br />
With gusto and glee.<br />
<br />
Such Boldness in her Being. <br />
<br />
She teaches me as she stretches and grows,<br />
fingertips straining for the highest fruit. <br />
<br />
For me,<br />
I grapple with how fortunate I feel<br />
in the lingering tides of loss.<br />
To feel overflowing with Love and Hope<br />
despite that pocket with its<br />
unsewable<br />
hole.<br />
In moments I marvel at how<br />
Lucky<br />
I<br />
Am,<br />
then wonder how it can be - as the thread gets pulled. <br />
<br />
But maybe,<br />
like the bird<br />
that uses yarn for its nest<br />
the<br />
take<br />
from<br />
the tear<br />
is meant to help...<br />
<br />
Meant to Build<br />
<br />
Something<br />
New.<br />
<br />
<br />HalfKinghttp://www.blogger.com/profile/05813394341471219571noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-428340023030688628.post-64992298247069052592014-07-15T11:51:00.001-04:002014-07-23T13:18:16.021-04:00July Day. (Hanging On)<br />
<br />
Is this about Daddy or what?<br />
She said, climbing into the car.<br />
What Pumpkin?<br />
Oh nothing.<br />
Half to herself, as she buckled herself in.<br />
And off to an exhibit we went.<br />
So grown up, my Casual Child <br />
<br />
Just an afternoon jaunt<br />
Not about anyone, really...<br />
But in from the outside's hot, close, ocean air<br />
There was a small cool room, with quiet images,<br />
Walt Whitman <br />
watching from the walls<br />
And opposite, Patti read to him, graveside, in the sun.<br />
On flickering film, easy words<br />
And for a few frames, she looked up, <br />
in<br />
on<br />
him, through protective bars -<br />
commented on the weather, how perfect the day was...<br />
smiling <br />
a sweet connection spoken from one spirit to<br />
another<br />
conversing with him, she was<br />
an all knowing, never-ending dialogue between two.<br />
<br />
There is no one I've ever observed that seems to capture<br />
loss and ever presence the way <a href="https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=j0tFQ079Wd0" target="_blank">She</a> does.<br />
And when she spoke to him<br />
it was an exchange I knew so well.<br />
Recognized.<br />
Because <i>we</i> still talk<br />
and smile<br />
and exchange thoughts.<br />
There are so many ways<br />
they<br />
can<br />
still<br />
be<br />
here.<br />
<br />
I was grateful<br />
that she reached<br />
Out<br />
Raised his eyes,<br />
Acknowledged his Listen.<br />
<br />
Lily drew quietly under his gaze,<br />
with a sweet friend by her side,<br />
handed me her work, <br />
ran out for a peach.<br />
<br />
But later I asked<br />
What did you think of the exhibit?<br />
It was fine, she said, and then an afterthought:<br />
<br />
Peaceful.<br />
<br />
In her hand a chalky white rock,<br />
a dusty take-away from Rockaway.<br />
Not about Daddy, for her at least,<br />
but a piece of<br />
<a href="https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=j0tFQ079Wd0" target="_blank">remembrance</a><br />
all the same.<br />
<br />HalfKinghttp://www.blogger.com/profile/05813394341471219571noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-428340023030688628.post-14382996701332224312014-06-19T00:09:00.000-04:002014-06-19T00:09:49.029-04:00A<br />
A<br />
is for<br />
Adam,<br />
Adam after Alan<br />
Alan Always In My Heart<br />
Adam Right Beside Him<br />
<br />
Alan knew he'd someday Appear,<br />
The Merry Widow<br />
he'd tease me<br />
But perhaps because of my broken heart,<br />
He sent Another<br />
To love me<br />
<br />
Whatever it is or was he planned<br />
that brought<br />
Another Love<br />
to know me,<br />
He knew there was a Little Girl<br />
Who also needed holding.<br />
<br />
So then came Adam,<br />
after Alan<br />
With a heart and arms<br />
for Two<br />
Gave himself to both of us<br />
As if he always knew<br />
<br />
And though the Ache<br />
for October Alan will never go away,<br />
I thank him for Our Adam<br />
Who's with us now today.<br />
<br />HalfKinghttp://www.blogger.com/profile/05813394341471219571noreply@blogger.com0