Some days. (All I Want)

Some days are much better than others.
Today is not one of THOSE.
In fact this week, this month, feels pretty shitty much of the time.
Just does.
I am lonelier than I have ever been.
I am finding it hard to breathe in such a small space for me and my two and a half year old. And the options seem... in far away places with no job prospects.

Ugh.

The hope has been, post Alan,to move to Brooklyn - mainly for a few more trees, quieter streets, and a family community that isn't suburbs but isn't city either. But the neighborhoods that are established are exhorbitently priced and I'm not sure I like the choices so much anymore.
I grew up in the suburbs.
And while I don't want that necessarily for Lily, nor myself, I would like a happy medium. Some more trees on the streets, a bit more breathing room, fewer car alarms, less trash, exhaust, and did I say breathing room?

Breathing Room.

Feels good just to look at the words.
I don't want an apartment with amazing city views. Honestly? That image makes me contract (OK, I'd take Central Park). I would like green branches outside our windows. I don't want a roof deck with a view of an industrial waterfront, I don't want to have to march up four floors, I don't want windows looking onto brick walls and stairwells, the thought of a massive apartment complex gives me claustrophobia.

I want neighborhood. A garden. Sunlight. Space. A non closet size room for Lily. Love for myself. A stimulating job. Closet space. A breeze through the window. A kitchen with a large counter-top.
And a washer & dryer.
Please.

I can dream.

When Alan and I were planning together we contemplated life in towns on the Hudson River. And Brooklyn. And Jersey. With him - we could have afforded a home in those areas and as a family,as a FAMILY of three or perhaps more, we might have been more isolated but we'd have neighborhood friends and the comfort of our own company. We wouldn't have needed so much at our doorstep. But as an only parent with a toddler I think those areas wouldn't be a wise move.
More isolation. More loneliness.

So the world seems to be shrinking, rather than expanding. And I'm not happy about it. Today, at least.
Though two friends just lifted my spirits up tremendously in different ways.
I need a neighborhood of sorts that we can immerse ourselves in, so there is contact with other life - sounds extreme, but that's how I feel.
That's what I need.
What I'd like.
What I crave.
I have always been OK with doing things on my own, that, I actually enjoy. But because I am a "lone" parent I need human contact.
Not colonnades in suburbia.

And there is SO much I do love about NYC. It is wildly stimulating and gushes with life - even with the grime and AC drips. There is a clip in a Sesame Street episode where an artist constructs an animal out of plastic bags, attaches it limply to a subway sidewalk vent and it comes alive with hot air (click to see) as the underworld passes by.
That is what I do love about this place.

Unexpected beauty, unconventional creativity.

Maybe it's not all so bad. Just had to vent. Get it out.
Yell from the mountain top. Sometimes I feel like that deflated bear.

So then I think of Lily.
The quickest fix of all.