50

You.

Are not so far as we might have feared you would be -
You
and
I.

Far away you are,
but do you know that you are celebrated
remembered
lovingly
attentively
ever present
in so many
hearts and minds.

You come through in many ways.
Just the other night Lily said you helped her clean up her newly acquired
Rainbow Loom rubber bands,
carelessly strewn on the floor
bright and beautiful in their disarray
intentionally scattered,
reluctantly gathered.
But Daddy helped,
She said.

And Jake is practicing spitting sunflower seeds,
Just as his Uncle Alan would have shown him.
Honing his craft -
preparing for grimy dugout floors
on his way
to a
solid base hit.
We gave them to him - Lily ready to offer a demo -
Crack & Spit
(I taught her the night before).
We gave him a Mattingly figurine too...
Hope we did ok.

Just like her mama, she'll do anything for her boy.
She's even got a pink glove.
Tells me the teams we're allowed to like
as she dozes off to sleep.
(And don't roll your eyes about the pink.
It was a gift.
From Bill.)

See?
Everyone
Holds
You
Close.

Still.

So we gathered as we always do,
to celebrate knowing you.
Hope you saw our crowd?
Today I am ever-grateful
of all the people you draw
together,
despite the dose of a double day...

And no, I can't say Happy Fifty.
As it would be today
If
You
Were
Here.
You always aged so gracefully.
Salt & Pepper grey to match
your sweet and weathered heart.

But even with the ache,
of our Collective Void,
We are living fully,
And laughing, and loving.

Never thought I could fulfill that promise,
that wish you gently requested.
In fact, I lied, straight up…
Doubting what I would be able to do
as I whispered I will try in your ear.
But we are all
Living
In honor of
You.
Here in
so many ways,
In Spirit
as I like to say.

And though we miss you always,
We've got you Babe,
We've got you.

New Day

This morning Lily burst onto the scene, fully dressed and ready to go.
6:33am.
It was a thrill.
Truly.
To not have to herd, plead, nor argue about
Outfits
Breakfast
TV.

JOY.

SUCH a gift.
And relief, considering bedtime last night was...
Unpleasant.
A downward spiral which began when I halted
Valentine
Card
Production
for bathtime and bed.
The girl was born for retail, they'd love her holiday readiness.
Grandpa genes, surely.

Even Lily seemed refreshed this morning.
And after a momentary Q & A in the bathroom about
Where
Is
Daddy?
Daddy died Pumpkin.
Did you just wake up one morning and he died?
Well, no... Actually, yes Pumpkin, yes.
But he was your age, Mama - should you die now too?
No Pumpkin, no one should ever die this young,
that is one of the reasons
it
was
so sad.
He had a very bad sick, not like what we get when we go to the doctor,
a different kind of sick...
I love you mama, she says, and I love the dinners you cook.

She hugs me.

I need to pick out my bracelets.

So much happens before morning coffee.

But it was a good morning.
Just as the salutation promises.

And she loved my interview.
New converts to The Right,
we are.
Or at least for The Book's Sake.
Lily waved to the screen and blew kisses upon sight of her dad.
And herself,
And me.

For nine minutes we were a complete family.

Oooh she said, when our photos flashed.
So sweet, that girl.
And in true "truth seeking" form, when the show host mentioned he had kids:

He doesn't have kids, Mama.

Where was she in my Actor Studio days,
on the sidelines with the
Truth Police?

He does have kids, Pumpkin.
Though I must agree, he lacked... Depth? Feeling?
Can you go back on and talk for longer?
Smile.
Not sure, Pumpkin, not sure.

But one thing I can say for sure,
Alan was with me that day on screen...
Sent me the Harry Chapin reference, off-point,
which was surely an invisible hug -
a reference he often jokingly used when shrugging off
Fatherly Shortcomings.

Never would the song have been used about him.

Never
Ever