He.

That... man?
Thinks
he can undo what I / we have done.
I know women,
lots of them.
Who get up every morning, feed, bathe, dress and drop their kids,
and
dash to work to enable them to do all they did in the hours before.
We are smart, brash, bold, defiant.
And yet that trip to work is often a slog
through hideous leers
gestures
whistles
you can feel their eyes, just as Bruce says,
take a walk all over you -
And it
Doesn't.
Feel.
Good.
So many times I've been told to "smile" -
whether I was rushing to be on time for work or
frantically hustling back to my husband who was battling a life threatening illness in a hospital.
Been abused in ways too cliche to share.
They didn't know
didn't care
about who I was,
just wanted something for themselves to
feel good about,
be on top of,
to push around,
their feral bodies aching for a moment of thrill
before they turn to the next woman
or girl…  My Girl?
who walks on by.

And now I've got two more girls,
Young Women
Who are just stepping into their own bodies
Discovering the powers of their prowess
and teetering on the brink of discovering how they
may or may not use them,
flirting dangerously with all that we've struggled to
Shut
Down.

When I hear our First Lady
I am grateful to see a Woman who I can point to and say
YES.
SHE is what we're all talking about
and illustrates what we're so fearful of losing ~
She is our minds our bodies our intelligence.
Stay with her, follow that path
of self respect, strength and
determination.
And we have a Presidential Candidate who
has waded through the mud slung by men and women -
been subjected to their superficial judgements about her voice, her clothing, the slips she's made -
she has been mocked relentlessly for her imperfections and still fights back.
She too is a force.
No stares, no bullying nor disrespect have stood in her way -
Ever.
She's worked tirelessly
to get where she is,
today.

New Heros in hard times.

It is reassuring that last week a Poet
was honored
because we may be on the cusp of a very
Dark Age.

If only Art could save us.

How surprising, and refreshing to know  - that a committee of powerful thinkers
is celebrating an artist
who has illuminated hardships, wrong-ness, love and loss -
so decently, thoughtfully and passionately.
He will forever strike me as a romantic and a realist -
with his ruminations on war, peace, and relationships.
He has moved so many with his humanity.
I will never forget the feeling of sitting by a beach fire
blazing on a clear and cold summer night,
meditating on his words as they wafted through the crowd around me.
The message clear and empowering, even then to us as kids:
We know
what
Danger
looks like.

May these Three
and all of Us
Outshine the ugliness that is sweeping in,
hovering like smog,
and threatening to choke our children.

Our world is way too precious. (Listen)

Exhale

Made it.

Summer's moved out,
with a giant
breath.
And we got
hitched
without
a
hitch.

So many hearts to take care of in the moments
leading up...
I was worried,
so worried,
anxious and protective.
Tired, excited and nervous.

Children to handle gently,
in-laws to watch over,
new family to embrace,
old friends and my family who've been through our "all"
and kept eyes on me closely
these past eight years...
So many hearts to look after,
not to mention
my own.

But how lucky we were - Lily and I
to have Alan's family there to bravely cheer us on
as we ushered Adam's in.
And how fortunate we were - Lily and I
to have Adam's family there,
alongside Alan's
embracing this connection
and honoring its link.

Not easy for anyone,
but this crowd,
This
Crowd
Showed
Up.

So on that fair evening,
under redwoods and pines,
we got to join hands,

all of us.

Everything and everyone was fine.

And now as autumn breezes in,
casting shadows that linger and shorten our days,
I can look back and
see
how far we've come,
and relish the
gift
of
a
second chance.

Where you been

Whoa.

Hello Emotions,

shadows big and small, all nipping at my feet, 

tugging at my heart and sometimes hijacking joys that should be all mine.

But that's the brand of widow world, 

not the image, just the scar

that

never fully

smooths over.

The color just never fully sets. 

Like an unfinished project that will never be complete - 

and this one's not due to any procrastination - it's just due to 

life's 

twists and turns.

Unsolicited and solicited.

The good with the bad,

happiness with the sad,

because when you lose partner number one,

it takes its toll on round two.

Just

Does

So here I am, 

on the threshold of a new chapter

embracing beautiful and Whole New Love

trying as best I can to be the step that his kids 

can ...  accept.  And understand.

Trying to comfort my girl as she navigates and embraces all of her steps - but mourns

the loss of what she-and-I-were for the years before 

We 

All 

Met.

And grappling with who I am as I link arms and hearts with another partner,

and understanding that as I move forward, my past, remains unchanged.

It is hard not ever being fully in control.

And here comes Father's Day.

A hurdle that never lowers in height.

But.

This

is all about accepting what comes your way,

moving within, around, alongside and beyond ....

Lessons more easily taught to an Almost Second Grader.

Constant practice of what I preach.

Days ago I cried as I ordered morning coffee,

felt so teen in my middle aged body.

Had to excuse myself to the bakery bathroom 

to get a grip 

again, 

on all that's brought me to 

This 

Day.

(Surely Alan was cuing the violins, 

somewhere 

in the 

Sun 

Above.)

And then I am alright again.

Like a reggae song with an easy groove,

and Adam always feels just right.

So 

Steady

He

Is

Grateful for a new man to be in love with and to be loved by,

Grateful to have a child who's never said no to this giant change.

Grateful for the children he too is raising,  

Because I am, indeed, joyful - 

and excited to look forward to all that lights the path

Ahead.

Can't ever know what force it was, that led us to reconnect

in this Circle Game...

But it is another Good Beginning,

for both of us,

so all together

we

will

go.

Feeling Good.

I
am
getting
married.

Never guessed never dreamed those words
would come out of my mouth
again.

Still feels like a daydream, stuns my senses
despite how right it feels.
When I peek at rings it still feels like I need to explain
I'm a widow, but I'm getting married,
not sure if I deserve the ring, or if it's right,
because I have one,
I mean, had one, but but but...
But this is New Love
and a new start -
so that sweet stone, that my grandfather saved up for,
now sits in a drawer
waiting
for his great granddaughter's hand -
to use when she is graced with
Another's Love.

But I will always be a widow -
I will.
And I don't mind the label ~
Reminds me of where I've been
and has forever shaped the woman I am
today
and who I will continue to be.
And it's introduced me to a crowd,
yes crowd,
of powerhouse women - who have rejoined this world like
lions,
with fierce and proud and poignant memories of all that came
before.

And as I walk on, with Lily by my side,
we will forever be a deeply connected duo.
To think she's just turned seven...
She's come so far from that Friday dawn
when she entered this world
breathing life into mine.

She brought me back,
led the way.
Threw me over her shoulder and hauled me with
oblivious ease
through nights and mornings and feedings and swings,
walks and grass, bandaids and rain,
first days and lessons,
milestones and anniversaries, Father's Days and Mother's Days.

Remarkable what one little person can do,
just as her school song says.

This morning I savored how she held my hand
a little-kid-lapse in her crusade to grow up.
Signaled me with our Secret Squeeze,
reminding me of how we will always be
Us.

So together we're embracing our new(ish) family,
she loves her soon-to-be Steps,
she loves her second dad,
and I love them all and how they
so openly
allow us
into
their world.
It is as though, somehow, we've won the lottery,
despite the landmark crater in my heart,
and the wanting hole in hers...
As a friend reminded me just today,
we must see that it is not happiness that makes us grateful,
but gratefulness that makes us happy.

When I hear Lily laugh with them
it is the
sweetest
music
to my
ears.

We are grateful.
We are happy.
Sing.