Wednesday, June 15, 2016

Where you been

Whoa.
Hello Emotions,
shadows big and small, all nipping at my feet, 
tugging at my heart and sometimes hijacking joys that should be all mine.
But that's the brand of widow world, 
not the image, just the scar
that
never fully
smooths over.
The color just never fully sets. 
Like an unfinished project that will never be complete - 
and this one's not due to any procrastination - it's just due to 
life's 
twists and turns.
Unsolicited and solicited.
The good with the bad,
happiness with the sad,
because when you lose partner number one,
it takes its toll on round two.

Just
Does

So here I am, 
on the threshold of a new chapter
embracing beautiful and Whole New Love
trying as best I can to be the step that his kids 
can ...  accept.  And understand.
Trying to comfort my girl as she navigates and embraces all of her steps - but mourns
the loss of what she-and-I-were for the years before 
We 
All 
Met.
And grappling with who I am as I link arms and hearts with another partner,
and understanding that as I move forward, my past, remains unchanged.

It is hard not ever being fully in control.
And here comes Father's Day.
A hurdle that never lowers in height.


But.

This
is all about accepting what comes your way,
moving within, around, alongside and beyond ....
Lessons more easily taught to an Almost Second Grader.
Constant practice of what I preach.
Days ago I cried as I ordered morning coffee,
felt so teen in my middle aged body.
Had to excuse myself to the bakery bathroom 
to get a grip 
again
on all that's brought me to 
This 
Day.

(Surely Alan was cuing the violins, 
somewhere 
in the 
Sun 
Above.)

And then I am alright again.
Like a reggae song with an easy groove,
and Adam always feels just right.
So 
Steady
He
Is
Grateful for a new man to be in love with and to be loved by,
Grateful to have a child who's never said no to this giant change.
Grateful for the children he too is raising,  
Because I am, indeed, joyful - 
and excited to look forward to all that lights the path
Ahead.

Can't ever know what force it was, that led us to reconnect
in this Circle Game...
But it is another Good Beginning,
for both of us,
so all together
we
will
go.

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