Tuesday, May 12, 2009

Rewind (an excerpt). This was us.

Everyone says time will heal. But this week, three weeks past, feels more awful than the last two. Alan was my world. We were intricately woven together. Newlyweds still madly in love. I was so crazy about him that at times I would physically run to him when I saw him. When I met Alan it was such a relief. And I believe it was for him too – We had both found peace at last in each other. A deep, soulful connection – there was so much I grew to know and love about Alan – we shared so many thoughts and dreams and we were similarly dark and sad on certain levels too. Much of Alan’s sadness came from his illness – the threat – the everpresent looming of some force, ready to take away whatever happiness and goodness he embraced. He was all too aware of the harder lessons in life – mainly that all things good never lasted. And in Alan’s case, he suspected it would be sooner rather than later. And he was right.
We recently saw a young child lose her balloon to the sky above and she was devastated. “Gotta learn the lesson” Alan said… I was so resentful sometimes of Alan’s pessimistic moments and yet, deep down I knew he was right. Sure the balloon doesn’t leave everyone’s grasp but for many it does. It slips away and you’re left with nothing. I had found the love of my life – and deep down I shared his worries – now that we both had found “It” how would we, how could we ever endure the fear of what might happen, if Alan’s life were jeopardized, if it was to be threatened by the worst thought imaginable. Our inner temperament was not unlike the look on Dustin Hoffman and Kate Ross’ faces in the last shot of The Graduate when they’re in the back of the bus, escaping the wedding, looking fearful, shocked and contemplative of what they had just done, and of what might lie ahead. That was the two of us. Embracing the future and scared shitless of the underlying circumstances. What was to become of us.